Battle of the Bulge

Life, it seems to me, is an endless battle against beer bellies and man boobs. And the enemy has launched its annual full-scale, end-of-year offensive. I say this after visiting the grocery store over the weekend and driving my cart through aisle after aisle of Halloween candy. Although the holiday is still six weeks away, the first wave in what's become a three-month bombardment designed to make us all look like the late, great, appropriately named John Candy has begun. Fun-sized Snickers and M&Ms from Halloween are immediately followed by that weeklong gorge of heaping-helpings and leftovers known as Thanksgiving, which are immediately followed by Christmas cookies and chocolate-covered pretzels and other little tasties too tempting to turn down. If I were Oliver Stone, I'd say it's a conspiracy by the clothing manufacturers to get us to buy new, larger clothes. Or the health clubs in an effort to prey on our New Year's resolutions to trade in our rolls for something sportier.

I mentioned this today at work and someone asked if the enemy was within? Well, not if I can help it. My wife and I have agreed to fight a good fight and keep the enemy without. We aren't buying the Halloween candy that I like—chocolate-covered anything—so I'm not tempted by the leftovers. Instead we're buying the candy she likes—the ooey, gooey, chewy stuff that I'm not tempted by—and I'm taking any leftovers into work to fill up my candy jar with. That way we both escape.

We've also agreed to buy a smaller turkey this year so there's not as much left over. But there's still the matter of pumpkin pies (my favorite), Christmas cookies (my favorite) and cold-weather helpers like hot chocolate (my favorite). That's where I lose. Or gain, depending on your perspective. The weather isn't conducive to running the weight off. And the gym's hard to get to with studying and the day's activities. So what's a wide body to do? I've chosen to fight using the one item guaranteed to make anyone lose weight: a mirror. If I look in it and see John Candy, I'm breaking out the rice cakes and unbuttered popcorn. In the meantime, let the battle begin.